Intelligent Life?

Chapter One:

Hello

Jon Zezerbee woke up to a very small and angry blue face staring at him from about a quarter of an inch. Jon was five foot eleven with short brown hair and recently obtained stubble, he didn’t quite understand what he was staring at this early in the morning (about 4:00 AM). He got up; tripped over some stuff he’d been working on last night and went over to the bathroom to shave.

The owner of the little blue face was King Xzizxzixzxizxzizxizxiz nick named Max because it was easier to pronounce. Max was not used to people ignoring him so he followed the primitive earth-thing he was trying to make contact with, “Excuse me”, said Max, “my navigation systems burned out and I have to get Orion’s belt before they start the third annual buzz ball championships. Could you point me in that direction?”

Jon stopped shaving and started staring the small blue creature still with saving cream all over his face. “Hello?” said Max waving his arms over his head in a vane effort to get the earth-thing out of its trance. Max went to the last resort. He walked up to the stunned human and whacked him one hard on the face sending clumps of shaving cream in to the air. This finally got Jon to realize that the little blue man was not from the party last night; he clutched his face and said, “Ow! Why did you do that?”

“Sorry,” said Max “but I have to get to the buzz ball championships, earth-thing.”

“Jon.”

“What?”

“Call me Jon.”

“Oh, Jon, can you tell me where Orin’s belt is from here?”

“No,” said Jon “but I might have the stuff to repair your ship.”

“I don’t think so,” said the little blue man, “My name’s King Xzizxzixzxizxzizxizxiz”. This was very strange to hear pronounced. So strange in fact that it almost overloaded poor Jon’s brain making him stumble and having his eyes roll up into he head “but you can call me Max” said Max not missing a beat, “My ship is a Xinode 5000 which requires a Zakroid 5.7 navigation drive which has burned up because it overheated.”

“I’ve got a Phillips screw driver and a hammer and some nails. Let’s see the ship.” Jon said, now recovered.

Chapter Two:

Outlaw

Jon followed Max on a trail of burnt grass and trees in the community greenbelt which led to a fifty five yard wide crater in which a crablike ship sat. From one of the pinchers a small fire was coming out, “That’s where the navigation was.” Said Max, “What were you doing?” said Jon, noticing several burn marks and gashes in the ship. Max got really nervous all of a sudden and said, “Well… I was going maybe a tad over the speed limit and…”

“And what?” said Jon

“Well I sort of had a few items that were slightly illegal and the GP started to chase me and I kind of accidentally shot off a few lazars at them…”

“The GP?” questioned Jon

“Boy, you people are primitive.” said Max popping him out of his nervous state. “The GP stands for Galactic Police.”

“Oh”, said Jon

“Well anyways, the GP started to shoot at me and managed to damage the navigation. So I did a little fancy flying and lost ‘em but with a damaged navigation system I had to land on this worthless planet of yours.”

Jon never heard passed the part where the police were chasing Max because he had gone back into his trance he’d had earlier. His brain couldn’t handle what it was receiving.

This time Max went to his ship and retrieved a gun. He put the setting as low as it would go and fired it at Jon. What came out of the gun was something like focused lightening and successfully (if rudely) blasted Jon out of his trance. “Gosh, what a morning” said Jon, “I’ve been slapped by a blue person and shot with a lazar gun and it’s only 6:30.”

Chapter three:

The GP

That’s when they came, by “they” I mean the GP. They wore yellow suits emblazoned with the letters GP, their heads were covered with yellow helmets and they were carrying dangerous looking weapons.

“Okay,” said one in a grovely tone, “hand over the outlaw, earth boy.” Max quickly picked up the gun he’d been holding and pointed it at Jon.

“What the…” said Jon guarding his face with his hands.

“One more step and the guy gets it”, Said max, very hyper now. The GP officers brought their guns up and coasted as many metallic noises out of them as they could.

“Now mister,” said the same GP man “we don’t have to do this do we?”

“Just put the guns down and no one gets hurt.” Said max, the gun barrel was shaking near Jon’s temple. One GP man fired his gun at the little blue man, what came of his gun was a very small concentrated mass of plasma. It hit Max making him fly back ten feet and fire his weapon which hit Jon. It felt like he’d just stuck his head in an outlet frying most of his hair off. Then Max Said, “Run to the ship!”

Jon, in a dazed state from the blast, followed Max’s orders and climbed the boarding ramp. Now all of the GP soldiers were firing their weapons. Jon sat down in the co-pilot seat as plasma whizzed outside. Max jumped through the door. Gun smoking, he jumped into the pilot seat and closed the ramp. Then he said, “After this ride you’ll be glad you didn’t eat breakfast.”

Jon touched the top of his head, his burnt hair crinkled. Max hit the throttle and pulled the ship out of the hole at a much unnecessary angle, shoving Jon back into his seat. Then he curved out over the trees “What’s on your moon.” Asked Max. Jon wondered how Max could see out the windshield. Only the top of his head went over the gages, this worried Jon. He answered “mostly dirt, I think.”

“What! No casinos!” said Max.

Just then the GP ship found them. It was bigger than Max’s ship by a lot and they started firing.

“Jon,” said Max “your going to have to man the rear turret, I’ll take evasive maneuvers so you won’t have to shoot too much. Lucky thing those ships don’t carry short rang fighters.” A blast shook the ship and a couple alarms started to ring. “That’s the emergency power generator, GO!” shouted Max, his blue face tuning purple. Jon ran down the hallway and found at the end of it two joysticks. Jon grabbed them and a plasma screen lit up in front of him with a big ship right in the crosshairs.

“Now”, Max yelled down the hallway, “just shoot at that big ship in front of you.” Jon pushed down both triggers a once and two missiles deployed from under the crab-like ship. They pointed themselves at the Big GP ship. Max said, “Time to maneuver!” and did several barrel rolls then did a split-S and dived underneath the larger ship. Jon figured out that if he pulled the left trigger lazars would come out of guns in the back of the ship and if he pulled the right trigger the ship left behind a small rectangular piece of metal with glowing lights on it which exploded after ten seconds.

Finally, after many a barrel roll and an equal amount of split-S’s Max managed to outrun the large GP ship with partial thanks to Jon who damaged the big ship. Jon came back from the back of the ship and sat back down in the co-pilot seat.

“The thing about the GP is they’re not very smart and they have way too many laws. Such as, you have to only eat at Italian restaurants on Tuesday. This is bad for people who—like me—are allergic to noodles.” Said Max.

“So,” said Max, “back to our old topic of conversation. There really isn’t any casinos on you moon?”

“Nope,” said Jon, “you’ll find casinos in Los Vegas.”

“Good,” said Max’ “Now, where’s that?”

“In Nevada,” said Jon

“In who?” said Max.

“Nevada,” Jon said, “A big desert in the middle of north America.”

“Oh, North America. You don’t say.” Said Max as he typed on a Key board with strange symbols on it.

“Aha! They did manage to scan you desolate planet, but with navigation out with have to do it manual” Max grabbed the steering wheel and turned it. The ship swung a around and headed for Los Vegas.

Chapter Four:

Viva Los Vegas

Max landed behind the hotel shaped like a pyramid.

Jon asked “What do you want with casinos.”

“I want to make enough galactic credits to buy another navigation system.” Said Max

“I hate to break it to you but the only money you’re going to get is dollars.” Said Jon. Max turned a lighter shade of baby blue and frowned, then his complexion turned back to normal “we’ll just have to go home” said Max. He paused obviously thinking very hard, “…light speed that’ll take about ten seconds”

“But before we go we need a bigger ship.” Said Max, taping on the strange keyboard “and if the ships computer is right, that pyramid is the local public transport off of earth.”

“Wouldn’t people notice a large pyramid launching off in the middle of Los Vegas?” said Jon trying in vain to keep up.

“I suppose one would if it weren’t for the holographics.” Said Max. He paused then continued, prompted by Jon’s quizzical look “You see, once this thing launches off a holograph assumes the shape of the building with a ‘Closed’ sign on the door.”

“Why does the rest of the universe keep modern technology from earth?” asked Jon, the quizzical look etched on his face

“Because, when the first two species met they decided to let the other species meet each other on their own good time”, said Max, “So eventually everybody met the universe…well, everybody but your people, I’ve always thought that idea was stupid.”

“So my planet is the only planet that hasn’t discovered the rest of the universe?”

“Pretty much except the guys in sector 27485361254, the GP sent a probe in and all they saw was a whole bunch of green people yelling ‘aliens!’.”

Just then that’s exactly what someone said. It was a nerdy looking guy with glasses that had at least half-inch frames. Then he got out a leather-bound book with the classic picture of a martin on it.

The nerd said, “Olleh, ym enam si eliN.”

“What a nerd”, said max “he’s speaking Algariw”

“Get with the times!” yelled max out the door, “they died off four hundred years ago!”

“Oh, you speak English”, said the nerd, “my name’s Nile”, the nerd, Nile, started to walk slowly over to the ship

“Neat UFO.”

“Neat what?” said Max. Nile stuck his head into the ship.

“Nice interior”, said Nile, he slapped his hand on the metal side of the door.

“Thanks.” Said Max. “It’s got a killer sound system too.”

Chapter five

The voyage

After a long talk about the engines, generators and what would happen if you passed gas in different portions of the ship, Max asked Nile to ride along with him and Jon. To which Nile heartily agreed. Meanwhile poor Jon was left to his own doing. He discovered in a room several flat hard things rapped in reflective cellophane (the same that disposable cameras are rapped in) with only one word printed on them. It said, “Help”. He opened the package. Inside was a very thin screen with the words “talk to me if you need help”.

He talked to it. First he explained that he had been taken off by a little blue man and that he was in trouble with the GP and that on the whole he was very depressed and needed help before he went crazy and ran at the Wal-Mart customer service in a mad rush and demanded that they give him back his brother who he did not have.

The screen said that he should go talk to the great moose of wisdom on gtititiytre and that the screen too was now quite depressed. With that the screen fizzled and went dark.

Jon wondered about the last sentence the screen had made. Jon thought, I should probably go to the moose of wisdom on gtititiytre and ask him about my depression. What Jon did not know was that the moose of wisdom was what the screen was supposed to refer everyone to because it was an advertisement screen.

He headed to the cockpit. Max and Nile were talking about how much a supped up ship like this would cost if max were to sell it.

Jon said, “Where’s gtititiytre”

“Oh, about fifty light years from here…hang on, did you find the screens?” said Max.

Chapter 6

After a long talk about the screens and that they were made specifically to advertise the moose of wisdom on gtititiytre. Max agreed to take him to gtititiytre to see the moose of wisdom.

“But”, he said, “We need to get the navigation fixed before we do that.”

“Okay.” Said Jon.

Max pressed a key on the strange keyboard and several grappling hooks shot out of various parts of the exterior of the ship and hooked onto the pyramid shaped building tethering the ship to the pyramid.

Max checked his watch which had six hands.

“Hang on”, he said, “This might feel kinda weird.”

Suddenly there was a blast of light from the base of the pyramid and it shot into the sky with max’s ship being drug behind.

Chapter 7

Jon was pressed into the seat. His shirt collar was choking him, then there was a tearing sound and his collar ripped. His hair was sticking to the seat along with every thing that was previously in front of him. He looked over at Max. He was smiling his little blue face stretched oddly because of the speed.

Jon’s head felt very heavy all of a sudden and his eye slowly drifted closed and darkness ensued.

Jon woke several hours later lying on a strange bed. He could not see well, everything was blurry. Then his vision resolved and he screamed.

He was surrounded by blue people—now showing very frightened faces—that all looked similar to Max.

Then he saw Max.

“Hey buddy didn’t think you were going to make it for a sec there”, said max, “this here is my family”.

Jon grabbed max by the neck and pushed him against the wall (all to max’s family’s increased fear of this tall space thing).

“Tell me where we are and what we’re doing here, and then get me out of here”, said Jon.

Max said,–in a very high voice due to lack of air —“we’re here because we need a navigation drive and because we need to get a little bit more money from uncle Vern. Then we’ll get into the ship and go to the moose of wisdom on gtititiytre.”

Chapter 8

After a long talk about the amount of money it takes to buy a navigation drive, Jon apologized to Max’s family for his violent outburst. Then Jon slept for a wile.

When Jon woke he was alone. He took an inventory of his physical health—he already new his mental health was nothing to brag about. He had a faint bruise on his head, his shirt was ripped at the collar, the hems of his pants were in rags, he nearly had a beard, most of his hair was burnt off, but he felt okay so he decided to go get something to eat. It had been about 15 hours since he had eaten dinner the night before. He got up from his bed which seemed to in a white padded room. He went through the door into a room furnished a lot like something you would think to see in a Victorian age house if the had the ability to travel at the speed of light. There was an old overstuffed chair with something silver and pulsing next to it, a large rug with an exocentric pattern that moved whoever was standing on in the direction of where ever they were thinking of going. The strangest thing about this room was that there was no door, instead there was an ornately carved cylindrical peace of wood with the words “please step in” written oh top of it in very slanted and relaxed writing. So Jon did so and immediately sensed a large shock and everything went black for less than an instant then he was standing in a different room. This room had many large square metal things in it and the color of the room resembled the color of an ice sickle in the dark.

Jon—being to logical man he was—decide that one of these boxes must be the refrigerator. So he opened the closest box and was promptly blasted across the room.

What ever state his clothes and hair were in before this surprising blast, they were now much worse for ware, so to speak.

Max appeared through the same cylinder.

“What did you do!?” said max.

“Just looking for some food,” said Jon.

“In the power room?”

Chapter 9

“Look, how am I supposed to know the difference between the powder room and the kitchen” said Jon.

“Power, it’s the power room” said max, “come on, let’s get you something to eat and some clothes that aren’t blasted half way to Antares.”

“While we do that I’ll put on some tunes”

Max pulled out some thing that looked a lot like an M&M. Suddenly the air was shattered by a whistly twangy music.

“Nothing like some good ol’ zwarg” said max, humming along with the music.

They went through the cylinder again which max called “the happy box”, though Jon had no idea why, and came through into a very large room with lots of very short blue people in it.

“This”, Max said, “Is the dinning hall.”

The room was about twice the size of Jon's whole house.

“They said things in the future would be smaller” said Jon.

“Well this isn’t the future yet.” Said Max.

At just about that time Jon started to wonder where Nile was and said so.

“Nile?” said max, “oh, he’s just getting acquainted with my folks”

Max pointed to what appeared to be like the center of attention—many of the blue people were looking in that direction with mild to profuse disgust—though Jon could not see what everyone was looking at because there was a large group of younger maxish people in the way.

They seemed to be bobbing up and down in a rhythm.

Chapter 10

A long while ago there was a dog. This dog, named Blu, was able to do calculus in his head and thus acclaimed the smartest dog ever. Scientists predicted that this dog’s brain would weigh five pounds. When the dog died, the brain was in fact five pounds but, to the surprise of the scientists,—not to mention everyone else—the dogs brain was a toaster with the words “made in Taiwan” printed neatly on the side. Therefore Taiwan was acclaimed “the new heaven” because obviously the dog had been made there and many people went off to search for god and were all wiped out due to some fine print on their pass-ports and the fact that there was a large epidemic of malaria going through Taiwan at the time. This story has absolutely nothing to do with two humans and a blue man from outer space of which the human by the name of Jon was looking at a large crowd of small blue people.

“What’s going on?” asked Jon.

“oh, Nile is just getting the youngsters all riled up”